Friday, October 31, 2008

Dear Red States

I didn't write this, but I like it, so I am reposting it.

Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.  In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.  We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.  

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get the seriously broken families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets c oming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percen t of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Peace out,
Blue States


Clea Simon said...

I like this! Did you see the story in today's NYT about liberals being all anxious about the election? I kept reading it and yelling out "That's ME!"

solodan said...

Dear author of Blue States:
You state "We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us." Great, You should go,but that does not mean you can stay here. In case you aren't aware, the Blue States have many Red Counties, and that includes California. Where is this new country of New California, going to be located? You claim you will get all kinds of great stuff, including 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. How did you get this figure? Do you really think that 100% of the poulation in the Blue States is liberal? Do your research.

You say you will get two-thirds of the tax revenue. Hate to break it to you. As New California, you will recieve none of the Red Money. You are a new country remember? Who is going to pay for that welfare now? The divorce rate may in fact be lower in the Blue States, But once again look at what color shirt a fellow Californian is wearing before you make such statements. Never being married and having 12 kids makes it real hard to get a divorce, so does being gay, cause Homos can't get married here. I think there may be more Elephants in the herd than you think. You say "Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war", I think pro- choice may be an under cover term for killing babies, and the only Presidential canidate who voted against the War was Ron Paul. He is a Republican my friend.

You claim that you will have 80 percent of the country's fresh water, look on the California Red and Blue breakdown map by county, you may get thirsty. You claim that you will have more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines 90 percent of all cheese. How many Farmers do You know that wear a Blue shirt? How many farms are in Blue counties? You should eat something now, cause you might starve later.You claim that you will get all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, These are protected things, thanks to our great 26th President Theodore Roosevelt, a Republican and also a former Governer of your Blue state of New York. Sorry, these things will stay Red.
You claim we will get 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, but you say you want Minnesota, clearly you have never been to Minnesota.You can have Hollywood but as far as Yosemite goes, refer to the 26th President above. I also I do not think Tuolumne or Mariposa counties will welcome you removing Yosemite from their back yards, it lies in the Red zone.

For those of you who don't die of starvation and/or dehydration, how will you defend your new nation since you won't have any guns? I am real curious.

A Red Californian