Saturday, December 19, 2009

Fighting fear

Writing a new novel is an often hallucinatory process. It always starts out, for me, anyway, with a bang. I have an obsession, an image in my head of something pulling me forward. The first chapter nearly always writes itself, and it's a good thing, too, because the rest of the chapters are always terrifically tough to get out on paper, and in the months and years that follow, that first chapter is the thing I cling to, the reason why I can't just toss everything in the wastebasket and think about going to dental school instead.

By mid first draft, which is where I am now, fear sets in. Is this good enough? Am I good enough? Is there really a story here and has it not been done before? Is it uniquely mine? I spend a lot of time trying to not listen to my fears, but of late, I've been listening, nodding my head the way you might at an uncle who's telling you the same old tiresome story, and then going ahead and keeping at it.

All writers really have, like any of us in life, is the moment. I try to focus on that moment--on creating--rather than fears about whether the book will get published, whether anyone will read it, whether I've failed. In the end, I can't control any of it, but I can dig deeper into the work and tell the story I want and need to tell.

7 comments:

  1. Absolutely right! And absolutely, write.

    I know that fear all to well. It sends me surfing the web, grumbling around the apartment, twitching with anxiety that what I am doing is just a giant waste of time and won't amount to anything anyway. And then I just have to sigh and acknowledge that I have no choice, or rather the best choice... is just to keep on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah, it leads to all sorts of bad mischief. You start comparing yourself to other writers (always dangerous), surfing the web, panicking, etc. The only solution is to stop thinking about everything outside the story--you can't control publishing or readers. All you can do is try to tell the truth and make your characters breathe.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great advice Caroline. I like/need that kind of thinking :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I so hear you - head down and keep swimming.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am in it right now... 3/4's through the next book and I am still in a state of heightened (read: eating everything in sight) anxiety. Add to that the release date of the first book and my raging self-doubt that this second book could never measure up to the first and I am nearly certifiable. I will make my characters breathe as soon as I remember how to take measured breaths myself....

    ReplyDelete
  6. boy, does this feel familiar! I love the beginning rush of a new novel but then after a kind of honeymoon with the prose, the doubts set in, the torture begins (though its an exquisite sort of torture!)...

    ReplyDelete